Product Description

A practical guide for improving communication within relationships, helping both sexes get what they want from love and friendship. The author encourages readers to accept the other gender's particular way of expressing love and helps men and women accept each other's emotional needs.

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #9883 in Books
• Published on: 1993
• Original language: English
• Binding: Paperback
• 292 pages

Amazon.co.uk Review
A classic and unique self-help book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus tackles the perennial problems faced by couples everywhere. Gray tells an allegorical story of the Venusians and the Martians who move to Earth, having enjoyed wonderful and fulfilling relationships with one another for many years. However, as soon as they arrive on this planet, amnesia sets in! They can no longer remember that they are from different planets and all sorts of communication and emotional problems set in. Written in an unpretentious and jargon- free style, Gray's tactic of using "Venusian" and "Martian" to refer to the two genders (and he does comment that these roles are not necessarily based on sexual biology) avoids the dead-end path followed by so many people, of using sweeping statements such as: "men always…" or "women just don't understand…". Instead, he says: "Remember, Venusians are from a different planet, therefore…" or, "Martians need…" This in itself is worthwhile tactic, removing blame-culture and shifting communication onto a new level where it is OK not to be on the same wavelength all the time and not to automatically understand all your partner's needs. His new naming strategy even manages to be amusing, in a way that many books in this area can fail to be, although the writing tends towards over-simplicity at times.

He discusses every aspect of relationships--but most importantly he does this in practical ways. For example, he lists common statements that a person in a relationship say to their partner, what that person intends them to mean and what the person to whom it is directed actually hears, or thinks they mean. Gray goes on to suggest ways to say what you intended that are more appropriate for the Venusian or Martian audienc--he even compiles lists of translations of common male/female exchanges.

Each chapter takes situations from either the Venusian or Martian side, making the book easy to dip into, as well as enjoyable to read cover to cover. The case for each interplanetary race is put simply and in a very down-to-earth manner, and the book avoids trying to be too clever for its own good.

Some tips from the book: Venusians take note--Martians also have monthly cycles of emotions, and need to retreat into their "cave" every now and then, so Venusians needn't feel shut out when their favourite Martian retreats without a word. The Martians could help by telling the Venusians that while they are retreating right now, they will soon be back out and they will then discuss any concerns the Venusians have. Martians should be reassured that, although Venusians climb down into their well every now and then, it is not that the Martians have hurt them--they too are taking time out. Their favourite Venusian will be back soon, ready to re-embrace their closeness.

The personality of the author shines through, the tone of the book being helpful, friendly and non-judgmental, kind and well-meaning, although the self-help strategy of repeating and summarising points results in the book seeming somewhat directionless. It is nevertheless an essential title for the bookshelf of every self-respecting self-help addict, and is a good place to start for the curious. It does also have some real gems of wisdom and new strategies--all in all, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is a star guide to understanding the constellations of coupledom. --Alison Jardine

About the Author
John Gray is a therapist and author. His books include the best-selling Men Are From Mars, Women

Are From Venus, Men Women and Relationships and Mars and Venus in the Bedroom.

He has a doctorate in psychology and, in addition to his private practice for relationship therapy, has

conducted seminars in major cities for twenty years. He lives in northern California, with his wife,

Bonnie, and their three children.

An internationally recognized expert in the fields of

communication and relationships, John Gray's

unique focus is assisting men and women in

understanding, respecting, and appreciating their

differences. For more than twenty years, he has

conducted public and private seminars to thousands

of participants. In his highly acclaimed books,

audiotapes and videotapes, as well as in his

enlightening lectures and stimulating weekend

seminars, Gray entertains and inspires audiences

with his practical insights and easy-to-use

communication techniques that can be immediately

applied to enrich relationships.

John Gray is a popular speaker on the national

lecture circuit and often appears on television and

radio programs to discuss his work. He has made

guest appearances on such shows as: Oprah, Good

Morning America, The Today Show, Live With Regis,

The View, Politically Incorrect, Larry King Live, The

Roseanne Show, CNN and Company, and many

others. He has been profiled in USA Today, Time

Magazine, TV Guide, People Magazine, New Age

Journal, Forbes, and numerous major newspapers

across the U.S

Dr. Gray's nationally syndicated column reaches 30

million readers in many newspapers.

Internationally, the column appears

in publications in England, Canada, Korea, Mexico

and Israel. The column reaches more than 10 million

readers weekly. Dr. Gray is also a columnist for

Redbook, Brides and Parents magazines.

Dr. Gray is a Certified Family Therapist, Consulting

Editor of The Family Journal, a member of the

Distinguished Advisory Board of the International

Association of Marriage and Family Counselors, a

Fellow and Diplomate of the American Board of

Medical Psychotherapists and

Psychodiagnosticians, and a member of the

American Counseling Association.

Excerpted from Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray. Copyright © 1993. Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
In the following extract Dave Pelzer speaks of the courage it has taken to forgive and how it is the crucial step to helping ourselves be free of unhappiness:
"I am always asked if I hate my mother. Without hesitation I respond with a resounding no! I saw firsthand, through the eyes of a bewildered child, the changes within Mother and the damage they inflicted on my brothers, my father, others, and me. As a child, the time I spent sitting on top of my hands at the base of the staircase in the dark garage gave me time to think. During one of those lonely hours, I came to realize that if Mother's hate had made her as she was, then I would be different…I had to be different. At times when she would beat me to the point I could not even crawl away, I vowed to be nothing like her. While in foster care, some of my teenage friends would either cop out or quit on themselves at any kind of minor obstacle that was in their path or immediately flare up and act tough. Some of them tried to drown the pain and animosity by picking on others, or with drugs and alcohol. Eventually some of them became slaves to their outlets and found themselves being controlled all over again.
Even now, as an adult, I come into contact with so many people who are still tied to their past partly because of their unpleasant emotions. I have a dear friend, Barbara, who years ago was happily married. But after ten years the union ended in divorce. That was nearly twenty years ago, and whenever I spoke to her, after we would exchange initial salutations, I could sense her breathing accelerating and the slight change in her voice as she exploded into the phone, ranting about how her ex-husband had done this or did that, until she became so worked up that I feared she might have passed out from hyperventilation. Barbara would become so upset and lost in her berating that she'd forget she'd been complaining to me about the exact same things for almost two decades! She would 'loop'; her mind would just run in circles. For Barbara it seemed to never end. Over the years Barbara had spent more time and energy putting down her former husband than she had spent being married to him.
Once, after Barbara calmed down, I gently reminded her that, as a couple, they had spent some good times together, at least enough to have stayed married for ten years and had two beautiful children whom they both adore. Yet I think Barbara, without knowing, as most of us do when intimate feelings are involved, got caught up in taking a stroll down vengeance lane for so long that it became a habitual response whenever she thought of her former husband. Unlike my mother, Barbara is a caring, functional, responsible person who, once she became aware of her vindictive emotional state, began to forgive her former husband and move on with her life.
When I stress forgiveness, I do so mainly to encourage freeing yourself. To me, forgiveness does not mean forgetting what may have happened to or against you. And, like grieving, forgiveness takes time just like any emotion. Forgiveness doesn't happen overnight. But with time, maturity, and a different perspective we can free ourselves of emotions that can only lead to great suffering.
Noted psychologist Bernie Zilbergeld echoes my thoughts. Mr. Zilbergeld states: "Holding a grudge is one of the most self-destructive things you can do. If you want to have a happy life, you have to move on and let go."
Today my mother, I believe with all my heart, is in heaven and finally resting in peace. Not a day passes that I do not think of her. I believe she was a person who carried so much pain within the deepest recesses of her heart. Maybe I had to learn from Mother's unfortunate lifestyle how not to live my life.
In forgiving my perpetrator, I feel cleaner. It frees me to not only live a more fulfilled life, but, more importantly, to rid myself of any animosity. I am able to love my wife, my son, and life all the more. When we elect to hate, we not only lose our compassion for others but we lose ourselves in the process. Keep in mind that for someone to hurt you, someone must have hurt them too.
Hate no one. Get closure with the person you need to forgive. Pick up that phone, talk to that person, write that letter even if you never mail it. Hug that person. Lower your defenses. Listen with your heart and an objective mind. Just do whatever you have to do to expel these bad feelings from your system. Every day, wipe your slate clean."

If you harbor ill feelings, if you stay in a negative environment and do not deal with troubling situations, you can only go so far in life. You may have the world in the palm of your hand, but at the cost of running away from yourself. Every day when you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, you will see yourself as who you truly are and the baggage and disparity you carry - every day for the rest of your life. You will be so busy with all the troubles of your world, you will lose sight of what truly matters in your life. Again, I ask you: With all that you have experienced and as unhappy as you may be, don't you deserve better than that? I believe you do!

Customer Reviews

Gives a whole new insight as how different men & women are.
In his book John Gray looks at the way men and women differ. How they are in fact very different animals. How men can be silent and quiet at just the time when women need them to talk. How men offer solutions when a women talks to him while she only wants an ear to listen (and I mean listen not pretend to). He explores many other areas where we differ. He lays out step by step methods to improve, repair and set relationships alight. I would suggest that everyone should read it who is in a relationship, whether they think it is good or otherwise.

He also looks at friends, collegues and other relationships.

The 13 chapters look at different parts of relationships, teach how to allow space, time and understanding to relationships. How to communicate, how to resolve conflict, leading to how to avoid conflict. I read it the first time in 3 days. It is a book to re-read there is always something more to gain from the pages.

He explores techniques of letter writing to resolve arguments. They work!

Throughout the book he uses examples from both his personal life and from his practice.

John Gray's writing is easy to read and keeps the reader's interest.

I really have benefited from this fantastic work.

Thank you John.

I used to think this book would be rubbish............
.......but now I believe that it has saved my marriage. After years of conflict, when only finance kept us together, plus the fear of being alone, I and my husband have entered into a new phase of our relationship. We have both read this amazing book, and we finally understand both ourselves and each other. Right from the first page, you feel as if you are reading about YOURSELF. And about your partner. And about the dynamic of your marriage or relationship. It is quite extraordinary. We are not unique, we are not alone. PLEASE read this book - even if you think you have a happy relationship. Maybe your partner feels differently, but dare not say so. So both read it. Do it now. A stitch in time.

Every Man and Woman should read this book.
I finally understand why my husband, and men in general, sometimes seem to speak a different language - we do! An excellent book and easy reading. Highly recommended to anyone interested in communicating effectively with the opposite sex.