Product Description

Have you ever queued, exasperated by the repeated cry of 'next' and asked the man in front, 'Are you deaf?' only to discover that he is? Who hasn't tried to slip under the covers before the lover of their dreams discovers they're wearing chewing-gum-grey pants? If you have then Guy Browning is here with an invaluable guide to surviving such toe-curling moments. His advice includes: What to do when you discover the man you beeped, flashed and swore at for driving too slowly is your girlfriend's father who you'll meet for the first time that night. How to convince your friends that shoes with loo-paper attached to the soles are now a cutting-edge fashion statement. How to argue, persuasively, that George Eliot is in fact a man.

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #62453 in Books
• Published on: 2005-09-15
• Original language: English
• Binding: Hardcover
• 256 pages

About the Author
Guy Browning writes the 'How to...' column in the Guardian 'Weekend' magazine. He is also a business consultant specialising in creativity. He lives in Oxfordshire.

Excerpted from Never Push When It Says Pull: Small Rules for Little Problems by Guy Browning. Copyright © 2005. Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
How to… use a lift
Calling a lift is easy. Simply press the button and wait.
And then press the button again. Many lifts work on
the pressure you exert on the call button, so hitting it a
hundred times will make it arrive a lot faster. Before you
get into the lift, it’s as well to check whether it’s going up
or down. There’s nothing more embarrassing than
saying confidently to a packed lift ‘Ground floor please’
and then feeling the lift rocketing upwards.
Getting into a crowded lift is like entering a mini
party. Everyone’s already settled in there and when the
doors open they all look at you as if to say, ‘You’re not
coming in here.’ Just take a big breath, step in and then
say something to break the ice such as, ‘You’re probably
wondering why I called you all here.’
This difficult entry moment explains why even when
the lift is the size of your living room and there’s only
one small lady in it, the tendency is to wait for the next
one. If the same lady is in the next one, it could be her
job to operate the lift, so just get in and stop being so silly.
In a crowded lift it’s very bad manners ever to face
anybody head on. You should always try and be at least
90 degrees to your neighbours so that an aerial view
would look as if you were all finding your way around a
particularly tight maze.
Never talk to someone in a lift unless you know which
button they’ve pressed and you can tailor your conversation
to the exact second. Restrict yourself to saying
‘Morning’. In a lift it’s acceptable to say this at any time
of night or day, because you’re in your own little world
without daylight. The other word everyone wants to say
in a lift, especially when the little bell pings, is ‘lingerie’.
Don’t say this unless you’re with people you know and
love or you’re absolutely positive the other person is
getting out.
You’re allowed to look at a stranger in a lift a
maximum of once, then you must look elsewhere for the
duration of your trip. That’s why it’s a relief when
everyone gets out and leaves you alone in the lift. You’re
then free to pull faces in the mirror, say ‘lingerie’ loudly
and pass wind extravagantly. Often at this moment you’ll
discover that the little lady is still in the lift with you.
Being in a lift means invading someone else’s body
space. This can be quite exciting when two people are
attracted to each other. Passions often ignite in lifts and
are sometimes even consummated. This can be awkward
for the other passengers, even at 90 degrees.

Customer Reviews

The perfect bedside read
Guy Browning is the funniest columnist in the Guardian and this is a collection of his best pieces.

I laughed a lot, but I have really come to like the ingenuity and style of the short columns. Every one is an exercise in verbal pyrotechnics.

'Bitter people aren't glass half full or glass half empty people. To their minds, some malicious bastard has drunk the other half of their glass.'

'Occasionally, a barber will ask you whether you want something for the weekend. By this he doesn't mean a bag of charcoal briquettes.'

I find he always seems to fix on that detail you've always wanted to draw attention to, but never quite managed to put it into words. It's really difficult to get through a novel if you've got a busy job, so reading one or two of these pieces before you go to sleep at night is a real joy.

I'd like to offer you two pieces of advice...
.... the first is DO NOT read this book in any place where laughing could get you into trouble, eg libraries, funerals, or while your maths class are doing an algebra test!!

the second piece of advice is buy this book.

If you enjoyed (like i did) the little excerpt regarding 'lifts' on Amazon you will not be disappointed with the rest of the book. I particularly liked the sections on how to run a bath and how to keep tidy. Seriously funny!!

Are you still reading? It's simple - click the 'buy' button and enjoy a very funny book

nuff said?

Wickedly witty
This is one of those books that periodically has you laughing helplessly and is a great de-stresser after a hard day! As so often with the best in comedy, it is the observances of the bizarre in everyday life that gives this its strength. You read it and think "YES - I do that!" or if you don't, you know someone who does!

Each little chapter covers one subject such as "how to queue", "how to parallel park" "how to sunbathe" and each piece is only around 2 pages long, so it is easy to dip into. There is a wealth of wit in these pages. Get yourself a copy and enjoy!