Product Description

From Lord Asquith to Charlotte Church, a selection of often hilarious, sometimes poignant, school reports of the great and the good. A few examples: 'Though her written work is the product of an obviously lively imagination, it is a pity that her spelling derives from the same source' (Beryl Bainbridge) 'His flying off the handle will only mar his efforts, and he must learn tact while not losing his outspokeness' (Jeremy Paxman) 'He is so regular in his irregularity that I really don't know what to do' (Winston Churchill) 'Certainly on the road to failure...hopeless...rather a clown in class...wasting other pupils' time' (John Lennon) 'She must try to be less emotional in her dealings with others' (Diana, Princess of Wales)

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #52069 in Books
• Published on: 2002-10-07
• Original language: English
• Binding: Paperback
• 208 pages

Review
From the bestselling author of The Blue Day book comes an uplifting look at the perennial search for Mr Right told through a delightful mix of retro images and wise and witty words. An extraordinary collection of rejection letters sent by publishers to now famous writers is sure to entertain and delight readers. Includes rejections of le Carr , Orwell and Joseph Heller. Dedicated to prisoner FF8282 and designed to help fill the time of the bereft millions who have nothing to read until the gates fly open and the world's most missed writer bounces out. The first book by cult cartoonist Dr Parsons, who stalks the corridors of power and pomposity armed with crayons and coloured pencils like some small, bearded avenging god. A selection of often hilarious, sometimes poignant, school reports of the great and the good, including Jeremy Paxman, Harry Enfield, Elton John, John Lennon, Jilly Cooper, Michael Heseltine among others.

One of the joys of reading the school reports of the rich and successful lies in our knowledge that their early failures had no repercussions on their later successes. Thus, when the young Eric Morecambe was informed that: 'This boy will never get anywhere in life', we are comforted that our own teachers may well have got it wrong, and fame yet awaits. Yet the interest in this book lies not just in such straw-clutching but also in the rather unpleasant realization that teachers seem to get it right just as often as wrong. Thus, for every time a Winston Churchill was solemnly informed that 'he has no ambition', we find a more prescient judgement on a Stafford Cripps that notes he is 'a fellow of quite first rate ability... of real high purpose and genuine appreciation'. An excellent introduction by Hurley and some nicely judged fictional interludes add weight to this slim collection of remarks made about entertainers, journalists, writers, statesmen and academics. Some teachers may well have missed their vocation as humorists, as with actor Richard Briers's headmaster: 'It would seem that Briers thinks he is running the school and not me... one of us will have to leave', while some are downright nasty, like a prefect who wrote of politician Michael Heseltine: 'rebellious, objectionable, idle, imbecilic, inefficient, antagonising, untidy, lunatic, albino, conceited, inflated, impertinent, underhand, lazy and smug.' Other reports, while less vicious, reveal unconsidered weaknesses in their subject: Harry Enfield was very poor at cricket, for example, while presenter Sue Lawley's PE teacher feared she had 'glue in her plimsolls'. The critic Cyril Connolly meanwhile was told that 'his work, like his hair, is always unkempt and, like his hands and face, frequently dirty.' All in all, a highly entertaining and rather revelatory volume, published to raise funds for the Dyslexia Institute. (Kirkus UK)

Customer Reviews

Amusing toilet reading
Brilliant for those longer trips to the toilet. I particularly liked Richard Brier's reports. I think though, they could have got more mileage out of it by having more well known celebrities in it. Liz Barker and Simon Thomas- I doubt most of the readers will have heard of these two. However, given what a challenge it must have been to get reports out of celebrities, they've done a good job here.