Product Description

At 30, Laura Doyle, like millions of women, was miserable in her marriage, but she couldn't put her finger on the cause. 'I was lonely and I was exhausted from trying to do everything myself. When I learned to stop controlling and criticising my husband and practised receiving graciously, something magical happened. The union I had always dreamed of appeared. The man who had wooed me was back,' writes Doyle. In "The Surrendered Wife", Laura Doyle presents a radical and controversial approach to relationships: women can enjoy great sex, harmony and the intimacy they crave when they stop controlling their partner. Surrendering, she says, is the simplest principle for a great marriage and thousands of women swear by it. Covering both the emotional and practical aspects of marriage, it teaches women valuable lessons including how to respect the man they married, how to resist the temptation to bicker and how to trust their man. But most importantly, it shows how you can fall in love with your man all over again. With marriages and relationships fast becoming the first casualty of modern life, "The Surrendered Wife" could be the key to 'happy ever after'

Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #42791 in Books
• Published on: 2006-02-06
• Original language: English
• Binding: Paperback
• 288 pages

About the Author
Laura Doyle is a freelance writer, feminist and former shrew. A distinguished lecturer, consultant and workshop leader, she lives in Southern California with her husband who has been dressing himself since before she was born.

Customer Reviews

The best book on saving your marriage that I have read
Obviously, not for everyone, because nothing is. But my experience reading this was that I recognized myself in 95% of what she described. There's no question in my mind that you can do all this, have a better marriage, and be an incredibly strong woman, both in the world and in your marriage. But with a far far subtler strength in the latter case. By which I DO NOT mean manipulation. But anyone who's tried to be married long-term knows it's a VERY subtle business indeed. This is a smart book for people with control issues who are suffocating their marriages... Not at all a retreat to the dark ages. In fact this book is about taking risks. The risk to love without forcing a relationship into a shape that feels safe but is actually dead.

Many helpful things, some silly, some disturbing...
I have recently read the book. Although not a specifically Christian book, I think many Christians would find it interesting as it focuses on the Biblical idea of a woman respecting a husband, arguing that giving a man this respect ensures harmony in the home, and encourages him to support and cherish his wife and take responsibility for her happiness in the way that the Bible teaches he should. This is all very well and good, but I do feel that Laura Doyle has fallen into the trap that many people do when they convert from one mode of behaviour to a radically different one, which is to be just too extreme and to lose a sense of proportion. Although it is good to watch one's tongue and not be overly critical, if a husband is driving in the wrong direction on the highway, then any sensible woman would mention this point, and any sensible husband would expect her to do so. I am also uncomfortable with the accomodation that she suggests with men using pornography if necessary or resorting to other practices to relieve sexual tension if their wives are unavailable for sex, and I think a lot of other people would be too, whether they regard such practices as sinful or not. I know that I would not think much of my husband if he used pornography, and I would most likely have something to say about it. Also, does a husband really only want the wife's blessing in a conversation or family discussion instead of her opinion? Surely, in a mature marriage, two heads are better that one, and a respectfully expressed opinion when asked for, (or when not asked for sometimes!) is a helpful way to go about things. There is a lot that is very helpful about relationships in the book, especially the sections on appreciating one's husband (although the reverse applies too!!!), and also learning to express one's desires positively, instead of complaining and being negative, but some of it is just plain silly. Read it, all of you,and see what you think. To be fair to Laura, she is not advocating that women automatically stay at home: her point is that the assertive way in which women conduct themselves in the workplace is generally counterproductive at home, where they should focus more on being lead that on leading. She is suggesting two ways of behaving: one for running corporations, one for massaging your husband's ego!! I think many modern relationships probably could benefit from some old wisdom, but I know that I would far rather be a modern woman with a really interesting career, even if that is going to require some juggling sometimes, than a complete stay-at-home type, but that's by the by. Anyway, she is anti-control, pro vulnerability and intimacy: her argument is that when a wife tries to control the home, including the husband, she treats her husband as child, emasculates and infantilises him, and connives in his becoming a passive, disengaged burden around the house. She says this type of behaviour is very destructive of love and intimacy, and that if women want intimacy, sharing and good sex in what is basically a healthy marriage (she does not advocate surrender to an abusive or addictive husband, they need to allow the man primarily to run the show.

True love and romance
Our modern idea of love and romance is based on the idea of meeting "the one" i.e. with the right person it will all magically work. In Sleepless In Seattle, you don't get to see what happens when they get to know each other, it's assumed that it's perfection and bliss because it's "meant to be". I have seen this attitude to have led to disappointment. Instead, this book suggests that the majority of men are pretty decent, and as long as you're married to one of them, having a rewarding marriage is a matter of learning and applying relationship skills. The simplicity and profundity of this is remarkable. The rest of life works that way, so why expect marriage to work by magic?
The idea here is learning to communicate in a way that's helpful, taking into account men's and women's natures; not changing your basic personality, just expressing yourself in a different way. The only thing you hold back is the neurotic controlling crap which you can hardly justify speaking out anyway. It teaches you how to be feminine, which means dignity and honour, not inferiority. One of my favourite sentences in the book said something like, "We don't need a man to hold the door open for us, but we love how feminine we feel when he does."
Men and women truly are different and understanding your partner is not intuitive. I found it liberating to read that you shouldn't try or expect to read your husband's mind. Previously I'd felt bad that we didn't understand each other automatically, because that is another modern value around relationships - another myth.
I haven't taken all the suggestions literally, I think the application of the principles has to be an individual thing, but the principles and ideas themselves are true and work. I have never felt so feminine and it's great. My husband has reacted exactly the way the book said - it's funny how this is the case despite us all being unique individuals. I think the book captures something fundamental about how men and women optimally relate to each other. See also John Gray, 'Men are from Mars, women are from Venus'.