Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #1851 in Books
• Published on: 1998-03-11
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Paperback
• 304 pages

About the Author

Bryn C. Collins, M.A., L.P., is licensed psychologist specializing in the areas of family and dispute mediation.

Customer Reviews

Interesting and helpful read
I believe one of the other reviewers referred to this book as one of those "american self help books." I am cautious with such books mostly since despite being a native english speaker, I tend to notice signficant cultural differences when reading them (as a European). This can tend to make the reading experience not so satisfying.

With this book I did notice such differences in the earlier"case study" chapters. However, I stuck with it since I figured the book didnt receive such positive reviews from others without grounds. The later chapters I found to be very interesting, eye opening, and most importantly, helpful. The chapters on emotional location and tools for change were great. I found myself talking to my peers about this book. If you find the content pages of the book inviting and are searching for a book which may suggest ways to change existing habits of communication (which may not be functioning very well) then I fully recommend it.

Nice to have someone explain you're not bonkers
I don't know about you, but being in a relationship with someone who's "emotionally unavailable" can have you wondering about your own sanity. Whenever you try to explain your feelings things somehow become twisted with the result being you end up confused and doubting your own senses. Having been with someone like this for a very long time, this book finally gave me the insight I needed to understand what was happening. I've read a few books like this, without much success, but this one I couldn't put down. I very much recommend it as it really is on your side and will help you clear your mind.

A curate's egg: good in parts
Fundamentally, this is an interesting and useful book, because it provides a very descriptive overview of the personality types that are emotionally unavailable. My problem with it, however, is that there are better books on this subject available.

When we encounter relationship issues that seem as inexplicable as they are frustrating, we need help in understanding the true nature of the problem. Often, we also need to see that a partner's dysfunctional behaviour may have nothing to do with us. So this book does a good job of explaining what you're up against. In that sense, it will make many people feel a lot better and stop them blaming themselves for something that isn't their fault.

While many, if not all, of the personality types listed exist in some form or another, the reality is that you cannot categorize everyone who exhibits certain character flaws into a set range of groups. It is too simplistic. In the final analysis, this classification only helps you understand the problems rather than providing effective strategies for dealing with them.

What you may really need is help on is evaluating the seriousness of the flaws we are exposed to. What often motivates people us to read books such as this is the need to determine whether a relationship can be salvaged or whether, for our own sake, we need to cut and run. The danger of the generalised profiles in this book is that they can lead us to form an exaggerated perception of flaws we encounter, or, conversely, to normalise behaviour that is totally unacceptable. So, don't rely on it alone.

When we are the victims of unreasonable behaviour, we need to evaluate whether the perpetrator has one of three things:
1. A character flaw or psychosis that can relatively easily be addressed through therapy
2. A true personality disorder that may or may not be helped by sustained therapy over time
3. Serious mental illness that may never be overcome

At the end of the day, we're all human, so we're all flawed to a lesser or greater degree. So what this book fails to provide an adequate continuum of behaviours across each personality type in order to help you evaluate the extent of certain the seriousness of certain signatures behaviors.

I wish the book did more to help the reader address the problems. For instance, what are effective communication techniques to engage someone with serious issues? How should you set and maintain boundaries in such situations? What is an appropriate response to unacceptable behaviour? Another minor gripe is that this book seems aimed more at women than men. But men can equally be the victims of emotionally unavailable women.

I don't want to be too hard on this book, because it has much to offer. Above all, it could be the catalyst you need to start taking control of a difficult relationship problem instead of being a victim.