Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #58192 in Books
• Published on: 2001-02
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Paperback
• 288 pages

Review
Now You Can Effectively Parent Your Strong-Willed Child

Customer Reviews

THE discipline book for Strong-Willed Kids
As a step parent of a very "Spirited" and "Strong-Willed" child, I can acknowledge first hand that the methods and philosophy of this book WILL promote harmony and cooperation. Maybe not initially but certainly in the long term. "Setting Limits" deals with discipline issues associated with the nine temperamental traits: 1.Persistance, 2.Intensity, 3.Regularity, 4. Distractability, 5.Energy and Activity Level, 6.Sensitivity, 7.Adaptability, 8.Reactivity, and 9.Mood.
The author is also the parent of two children, one compliant, easy going, and the other one strong-willed/demanding so he can relate with the parents who scream, "nothing works with this kid!".

This book is NOT about harsh punishement but rather teaches respectful limit setting, which is an essential teaching tool. It teaches parents to give children clear, respectful messages to convey the necessary information for the child to make acceptable choices. To focus on the behaviour in a way that does not belittle, criticize or shame the child. Although parents may genuinely feel that they are giving a clear "Stop" message to their child, they are sometimes unwittingly giving a yellow or even green light to unwanted behaviours. The strong-willed child interprets these vague massages as "Optional requests" or learns only that the behaviour upsets or angers the parent. This may lead to increased limit testing to see where the boundaries really are, especially if they enjoy making us jump and yell. It sometimes seems that Strong-willed children need to learn everything the hard way by agressivly testing all limits or restrictions (much more than compliant children) to see where the bottom line really is. They are aggressive researchers who leave parents little room for ineffective discipline. There is not much to prepare a parent for dealing with a strong-willed child, and unfortunately they tend to bring out the worst qualities in parents. A child that can argue and debate like a courtroom attorney, develop sudden hearing loss, or dawdle until you are late for work. Parents easily fall into ineffectual ruts of predictable reaction based on our own upbringing and parenting assumptions.

The good news is that the solution usually involves doing much less than what the parent is probably doing at present. You must accept and acknowledge that this is part of the childs personality/temperament, and that they will always need a little more structure and consistancy than compliant chidren. It does not mean they can't learn to cooperate and observe family rules. This book shows parents how and "WHEN" to negotiate rules, what behaviours should be ignored, which ones must be corrected and most importantly "How to do it!".

The most impressive part of all the books I've read by Robert J MacKenzie, is the weath of realistic examples. Every point is thoroughly illustrated for clarity, with discipline scenarios which all parents can readily idenetify with. There are sections on motivating your strong-willed child, encouraging independence, teaching skills, and role-modeling

The entire book is aimed at teaching your child self control. Some books on the challenging children seem more focused on avoiding conflict and undulging the child, which might be great for the short-term, but how can it possibly prepare the child for the real world.

I would also highly recommend reading the book "The Manipulative Child: How to Regain Control and Raise Resilient, Resourceful, and Independent Kids" by Swihart and Cotter.

Out of the dozens of parenting books I've read, "Setting Limits" is certainly one of the best written and sound discipline books for strong-willed children.

A Clear, Sensible Philosophy for Setting Limits that WORKS!
As a kindergarten teacher as well as a parent of strong-willed 5-year-old twin boys, I too often found myself yelling louder, reminding more often and searching for stricter punishments to get the children to cooperate...Nothing was working! I needed a new approach...and Dr. MacKenzie has given me the understanding and the tools to set limits effectively without losing my sanity. I learned how I was part of "the dance" of non-compliance and I realized that I would have to change my behavior first before I got a positive change in the behavior from the children. I learned the difference between "soft limits" and "firm limits" and the importance of my actions supporting my words; then, the kids began respecting the rules because they knew I would follow through with consequences. It was an eye-opener to realize that by me constantly reminding...I was actually teaching the children to ignore (at least the first few times because they knew more reminding was coming)...by giving unclear open-ended directions...I was actually setting the situation up for clarification, testing and conflict...and by bargaining and making deals out of desperation...I was actually giving the kids the opportunity to control the situation as they decided to up the ante the next time! The best part of this book is the real life examples of exactly what to say and not say to the kids. It is as if the author has been looking in my windows as my twins defy me in so many of the exact same situations. I was immediately comforted by the fact that I am not alone in trying to get compliance instead of defiance from my boys.

I also would like to recommend another very helpful A-Z compendium entitled "The Pocket Parent", a convenient pocket-guide with a very similar philosophy that is exclusively written for parents of normal but often challenging 2- to 5-year-olds. If you have toddlers and preschoolers, it is a great practical companion book to "Setting Limits" because you can simply turn to the specific challenging behavior of the moment (like hitting, morning crazies, interrupting, bad words, lying, whining, etc.) and get some quick bulleted suggestions to try. You do not have to read "Pocket Parent" cover to cover...but rather consult each chapter topic as you need it. Both books have great anecdotes and a welcome sense of humor throughout. "Setting Limits" and "The Pocket Parent" have helped me get more cooperation at home and at school and are both worthwhile additions to a home or school reference library!

Setting Limits with Your Strong willed Child
This book is absolutely excellent. It has numerous examples on how to diffuse situations and cope with your child. It helps you to recognise how your interactions don't help the situations and how to change your usual behaviour to get a different outcome. It covers all the most difficult situations, in the supermarket, in the car at other peoples houses or in restaurants.

If you're at your wits end how to cope - the BUY THIS BOOK!!