Listmania!
PUKE INDUCING BILE! - Movies Not Even God Can Forgive!
Battlefield Earth [DVD] [2000]Battlefield Earth [DVD] [2000]
Buy used from: £1.18
Saw, Hostel Part 2 - No! No! No! If you really want to torture your enemy, lock them in a room with this and they'll be at the glass plate in the door begging for mercy in 5 minutes flat!
Glitter [DVD] [2001]Glitter [DVD] [2001]
Buy new: £3.98 / Used from: £2.48
Speaking of pretentious pampered twats, here's Mariah! A vanity project that comes close to the staggering ego-posturing of Prince's abysmal "Purple Rain". Mariah makes Bob Monkhouse look sincere!
Rollerball [DVD]Rollerball [DVD] by Jean Reno
Buy new: £3.98 / Used from: £0.01
A turkey of extraordinary proportions, this remake of a '75 classic has unbelievably crap futuristic visuals & dialogue that sucks. If asked to watch this - or acquire constipation - take the toilet!
The Postman [DVD] [1998]The Postman [DVD] [1998]
Buy new: £2.98 / Used from: £1.56
I once bet my brother Jonathan a ten spot that he couldn't sit through just 1 hour of this 13-Raspberry Award winner - I won! Punish visiting relatives with this - they'll never be back!
Bad Company [DVD] [2002] [Region 1] [US Import] [NTSC]Bad Company [DVD] [2002] [Region 1] [US Import] [NTSC]
Buy used from: £0.20
Hopkins is one of the greatest actors of his generation & Rock one of the best comedians, so some fool in Hollywood thought they'd make a great team. Wrong. Even in interview, Tony disowned this!
Driven [DVD] [2001]Driven [DVD] [2001]
Buy new: £2.97 / Used from: £0.01
Only the wonderous luscious lips of Estella Warren save this utterly predictable racing cars movie - supposed to be an andrenalin rush, when you feel more like you've been run over...
The Mexican [DVD] [2001]The Mexican [DVD] [2001]
Buy used from: £0.81
You can just see James Gandolfini wondering what he's doing in this turkey - oh yeah - exposure and money. An insult to its two great star leads. Not funny nor romantic.
Final Cut [DVD] [1999]Final Cut [DVD] [1999]
Buy used from: £1.80
Told in a videocam fly-on-the-wall way, instead of entertaining, this movie just irritates. And worse - the way its shot only adds a hammyness & embarrassment factor to the actor's lines. Rubbish.
Be Cool [DVD] [2005]Be Cool [DVD] [2005]
Buy new: £9.08 / Used from: £0.01
Get Shorty was a great film in so many ways, cast, script, cool as f**k too - but this follow up is just terrible. How could they have gotten it so wrong? A huge disappointment.
The January Man [DVD] [1989]The January Man [DVD] [1989]
Buy new: £2.98 / Used from: £2.07
Trying to mix comedy with serial killers was perhaps not the best idea - luckily Kevin Kline went on to bigger and better things - but as for this - it's a hammy film that thinks its funny and isn't.
Knock Off [DVD] [1999]Knock Off [DVD] [1999]
Buy new: £3.98 / Used from: £1.00
Van Damme has made good action thrillers and some ok ones, this is one of his worst. I remember sitting there thinking it can't get any worse - and then it did!
Eyes Wide Shut [DVD] [1999]Eyes Wide Shut [DVD] [1999]
Buy new: £4.98 / Used from: £2.39
Kubrick's swan-song or last cruel joke - I'd go for the joke. This is without doubt one of the most pretentious pieces of twaddle ever to disgrace a screen. And pervy too.
Hollywood Homicide [DVD] [2003]Hollywood Homicide [DVD] [2003]
Buy new: £4.48 / Used from: £0.01
Ford is a superb leading man & Hartnett a likeable actor, but this dire buddy-buddy cop film force feeds you every cliche it can. There's a Motown dance sequence where Ford tries seduction - soo bad!!
Trapped In Paradise [DVD]Trapped In Paradise [DVD]
Buy new: £4.18 / Used from: £4.25
Dana Carvey's turn as a nutty son in "Road To Wellville" was wonderful & touching, here it's demeaning, patronising and worse - unfunny. Trapped in this movie is more like it. Avoid.
Timecode [DVD] [2000]Timecode [DVD] [2000]
Buy new: £10.27 / Used from: £3.60
Divided into 4 screens with actors improvising their scenes in each box, this is not just unwatchable, but a ludicrious affrontery to its viewer. The real shame is the A-list cast wasted on this dog.
Serving Sara [DVD] [2002]Serving Sara [DVD] [2002]
Buy new: £3.98 / Used from: £1.48
I like the two leads, but this rom-com fails in every department and does so for the whole of the film (which is rare). Nearly did for the careers of both stars. Unfunny and leaden.
The Next Best Thing [DVD] [2000]The Next Best Thing [DVD] [2000]
Buy new: £3.98 / Used from: £1.98
Like Liz Hurley, Madonna is a star, but the horrible truth is that she can't act to save her life and this appaling turd of a movie only rams that home every second she's on screen. Awful.
Miss Congeniality 2 - Armed And Fabulous [DVD] [2005]Miss Congeniality 2 - Armed And Fabulous [DVD] [2005]
Buy new: £2.98 / Used from: £0.80
Armed and Fabulous - more Sanitised and Cruddy! It's amazing how often they get the sequel wrong. The original was a comedic gem, a genuine blast of fresh air, but this is a massive let-down. A shame.
Hanging Up [DVD] [2000]Hanging Up [DVD] [2000]
Buy new: £4.98 / Used from: £3.00
Looking at the cast of talented actresses, you would've expected more, but instead you get hollowness, forced funny moments and people too rich to give a damn about. A wasted opportunity.
Dogville [DVD] [2004]Dogville [DVD] [2004]
Buy used from: £14.90
There's a clue in the title and it isn't 'ville'. Shot on a stage like a play where actors wander in & out of scenes & around partitions, this is just bad pretentious arthouse crap that's unwatchable.
Bewitched [DVD] [2005]Bewitched [DVD] [2005]
Buy new: £3.98 / Used from: £0.15
Two huge comedic & straight talents wasted on this appalling remake of the TV series that was forced funny to begin with. Unrelentingly unfunny all the way through. Pass it by.
Random Hearts [DVD] [1999]Random Hearts [DVD] [1999]
Buy used from: £3.99
Pollock directing, Ford & Scott Thomas as leads - this should have been good, maybe even great, but instead it's tedious, storyless bilge about rich people you wish someone would shoot.
The Whole Ten Yards [DVD] [2004]The Whole Ten Yards [DVD] [2004]
Buy new: £3.88 / Used from: £1.25
The Whole Nine Yards was fun & clever like Get Shorty - this is yet another shapeless dire sequel that followed the success of the 1st but fails on every count. A bad movie.
School For Scoundrels [DVD] [2006]School For Scoundrels [DVD] [2006]
Buy new: £2.98 / Used from: £0.63
After 40 minutes of this appaling movie, I'd had enough. Unfunny, cringing, cliched - everything about this remake fails - even Billy Bob Thornton who is usually fantastic in anything he does. Avoid!
The Ladykillers [DVD] [2004]The Ladykillers [DVD] [2004]
Buy new: £3.98 / Used from: £0.46
A reviewer once said of The Big Lebowski 'if only all movies were made by the Coens..." He was right. Until they did this! A terrible remake of a perfect film. Just awful. Avoid!