Product Description

"An introspective, honest account that may offer solace...to other families coping with challenging children." - "Kirkus Reviews". "[LaSalle's] story is one of human triumph over adversity and ignorance...It has a happy ending, but there will be moments when readers are likely to cry before they share her happiness." - Tony Attwood, Ph.D., Director, The Asperger's Syndrome Clinic.Barbara LaSalle's first son, Ben, seemed to be an extraordinarily gifted child. For the first few years of his life, he amazed his mother with his brilliance and creativity, speaking in full sentences before age one and reading competently by age two. Yet, lurking beneath this boy genius' amazing abilities were a crippling social aloofness and fear of change. For years, she searched for a diagnosis for her son, who, unbeknownst to her, suffered from Asperger's Syndrome - the "little grownup" disorder - a neurological condition considered a high-functioning form of autism.In this frank, emotionally written account, Barbara LaSalle reveals what it's really like to parent a child with a neurological disorder. She paints a powerfully honest portrait of how a mother's love can turn into bitterness at having to raise a special-needs child and how, by opening herself to the wisdom of others, she can at last learn to love her child - and herself - once again. Barbara LaSalle, M.A., is a marriage and family therapist who runs a psychotherapy practice in Los Angeles. A tireless advocate for people with mental illness, she is a frequent lecturer, workshop leader, and documentary filmmaker.

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Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #744383 in Books
• Published on: 2004-03-01
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Paperback
• 304 pages

Review
A wise and sad and ultimately uplifting book which speaks eloquently to the often unexpected experiences of being a parent an dlovin a child. - Perri Klass, M.D., author of Love and Modern Medicine; To love a child is to give them the gift of life. Learn how to find that love for yourself and your child from the experience of others and not your own pain. Finding Ben shows this beautifully. -Bernie Siegel, M.D., author of Love, Medicine & Miracles and Prescriptions for Living; Barbara LaSalle's new book about Asperger's, Finding Ben, beautifully chronicles her own journey to understand her son with the encyclopedic mind and distressingly separate world. - The Washington Post

From the Back Cover

Author: LaSalle

ISBN: 0071431942

Category: Psychology/Memoir

Trim Size: 5 1/2 x 8 1/4

UPC: 639785384717

Price: $14.95

[category] Psychology/Memoir

"An introspective, honest account that may offer solace . . . to other families coping with challenging children."

--Kirkus Reviews

"[LaSalle's] story is one of human triumph over adversity and ignorance... It has a happy ending, but there wil be moments when reaers are likely to cry before they share her happiness."

--Tony Attwood, Ph.D., Director, The Asperger's Syndrome Clinic

Barbara LaSalle's first son, Ben, seemed to be an extraordinarily gifted child. For the first few years of his life, he amazed his mother with his brilliance and creativity, speaking in full sentences before age one and reading competently by age two. Yet lurking beneath this boy genius's amazing abilities were a crippling social aloofness and fear of change. For years she searched for a diagnosis for her son, who, unbeknownst to her, suffered from Asperger's Syndrome--the "little grownup" disorder--a neurological condition considered a high-functioning form of autism.

In this frank, emotionally written account, Barbara LaSalle reveals what it's really like to parent a child with a neurological disorder. She paints a powerfully honest portrait of how a mother's love can turn into bitterness at having to raise a special-needs child and how, by opening herself to the wisdom of others, she can at last learn to love her child--and herself--once again.

Barbara LaSalle, M.A., is a marriage and family therapist who runs a psychotherapy practice in Los Angeles. A tireless advocate for people with mental illness, she is a frequent lecturer, workshop leader, and documentary filmmaker.

About the Author

Barbara LaSalle, Ph.D. (Los Angeles, CA) is a marriage and family therapist and documentary filmmaker whose films include It's Not All in Their Mind, and Living with A.D.D.

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Customer Reviews

There's No Place Like Home
When Benjamin Daniel was born in January of 1969, there was a paucity of resources and information available to lay persons about Asperger's Syndrome, which is a neurological condition on the austim spectrum.

Ben was a highly verbal and gifted child. At 18 months, he taught himself to read from watching Sesame Street. At 19 months, Ben's family relocated from New Jersey to southern California. Ben remembers that trip and his first bedroom when he lived in the northeastern United States.

A distinctive personality, Ben showed a high level of comprehension for most abstract concepts. He could navigate just about any place he was and he had a fondness for maps. He was inordinately attached to his "Child's History of the World" and "Child's Geography" books and avidly read them each night. Nonathletic, Ben compensated by memorizing Dodger ball games he heard on the radio. A brilliant mimic with an extraordinary memory, Ben could repeat long passages from TV programs, conversations and written material. In childlike role play with peers, he always insisted on being a television or radio and he preferred reading to playing with other children. He also spoke in a formal style, not unlike an adult ("hello, my name is Benjamin and I am very pleased to meet you.") He had a high sensitivity to sound; when he was as young as one year old, he would implore his parents not to fight because "it's too loud and I don't like loud." I like the way Ben's father Steven was honest with him about the marital discord and told him that yes, they were indeed fighting. I also like the way he reassured Ben after the decision to get divorced was made.

Ben's problems were not confined to the obvious challenges of having Asperger's. Ben's mother Barbara LaSalle admitted being unable to accept Ben for years and lamented Ben's inability to make friends from the time he was a pre-schooler. When forced into enduring a playdate at his home, I thought the playdate was really for the parents and not the children. Ben didn't even want it! That's why I just loved it when Ben, seeing an out, left the other boy alone so he could race off to his room and read. That seemed like a fair compromise to me - Ben's mother could have her playdate (after all, she was the one who invited the other child) and Ben could do what he wanted.

The other thing that puzzled me was when Ben's mother said that "baking cookies is something you do when your child has a playdate." That is not a social rule. Why not serve fruit to the kids instead? Making cookies was a voluntary decision, not a compulsory one. My feeling was why not just have store bought cookies ready to serve instead of leaving those two young children alone to bake? As I read that passage, I couldn't help wondering why the boys were left unsupervised. In retrospect, it seems like one approach would have been to be involved in what the boys were doing; to suggest alternate activies, e.g. "I'll set the timer and for 10 minutes will play outside doing something Greg wants. In 10 minutes Greg can pick a story and Ben can read to all of us," which encourages fairness, sharing and taking turns.

Ben would try to appease his mother by telling her what he thought would make her happy, e.g. a movie date with a peer or being a member of a football team when his school had no such team. Divorced from Ben's father when Ben was 5, the two coped as best they could until she married John, a gentle loving man in 1975. Ben's brother David was born that August.

One thing that really bothered me was the "motor therapy" his preschool teacher recommended. Since Ben's eyes worked independently and he disliked physical activity and contact sports, he was immediately stared on motor therapy at age 3 together with eye exercise therapy with another doctor. This method seemed rather questionable to me and I was extremely disgusted with "Ms. Reed," the motor therapist. I didn't like the way she forced her player piano on her young clients. Ben and Barbara had no sooner arrived for Ben's first session when Miss Reed eagerly ushered them into her living room to show it off to Ben. Ben made it plain from the first session that he destested it, found it terrifying and implored her not to make him sit in the living room with it. I didn't like the way Ms. Reed talked to Ben or Barbara; I also didn't like the way she kept insisting that counting backward (what was that supposed to accomplish), jumping on a trampoline or spinning in a revolving basket would be fun when Ben made it plain otherwise. He even said he found her house frightening. The topper for me was when she made Ben sit in her living room with that oversized music box. Ben screamed in abject fear and a neighbor wisely called 911. I cheered the neighbor! After Ms. Reed forced him to endure it, I wanted to dispose of it myself. I really thought that was sadistic and I thought it served her right that the neighbor called 911. She plainly couldn't wait to get Ben alone so she could force that noisemaker on him, ostensibly to help him overcome his fear of it. That oversized music box reflected HER needs and had nothing to do with Ben or any projected goals for his physical progress. I didn't like the way she downplayed Ben's fear when telling Barbara about it and the way she said, "either he gets it now or never...be afraid the rest of his life..." when she caused that problem in the first place. I also could not understand why Ben was forced to endure her for years after that disastrous experience. That bothered me.

Ben remained true to form. He had trouble organizing his work in school; he had trouble making friends and sports were just not his area of interest. John helped Ben over the worst of his distaste for physical activity by teaching him to climb the jungle gym and ride a bicycle. Although these were never favorite activities of Ben's, he at least had the satisfaction of mastery. John accomplished what the "experts" did not.

Ben suffered another set back during the 1980-81 school year. That year Ben was sent with his father who enrolled him in an Arizona boarding school. Ben, suffering from a then undiagnosed Crohn's disease suffered from fecal incontinence. He was abused by other boys and lost 40 pounds his first month. Husky from a young age with a rigid adherence to certain foods, Ben was literally shrinking away that year. Barbara reclaimed custody of Ben and withdrew him from the school at the close of the year.

Ben's high school years were a litany of challenges. He changed schools more than once and suffered severe social set backs. By 1987, Ben, then 18 expressed feelings of violent anger and was hospitalized. He became quite husky during this period and the asthma he had since age 3 had worsened. He served time in hospitals over the next few years.

In April of 1989 came the crowning blow. On April 29, 1989 Ben threatened another resident at the half way house he was living in because he was upset by the noise the latter was making. He dropped his weapon and allowed to be turned in. Over the course of that week, Ben was forced to endure degrading treatment in the local jail. Only one trusty, a man named Rocky stepped up to the plate for him. (note: April 29, 1989 was a Saturday. Each day in the first week of May, 1989 which was chronicled in the book was set one day ahead and this makes one wonder if this was a psychological device to speed up a horrendous week). It was Rocky's tough love that helped Ben survive the legal difficulty he was in.

Thanks to Rocky, the "bald angel with the tattooes" and Doris, a caring worker in a hospital who helped Ben learn to "play the game" so he could be released and the very astute Dr. Mark DeAntonio, Ben's story is now something everyone can take proud delight in. By the early 1990s, one of Dr. LaSalle's friends directed her to Dr. DeAntonio. A sensitive, direct and no-nonsense man from the telling, Dr. DeAntonio reviewed Ben's records and provided mother and son with the answer -- autism. I like the way Dr. LaSalle was finally able to accept Ben and realize that Dr. DeAntonio was not there to reassure her, but to provide some clear answers for Ben's social difficulties. Ben's undefined differences were on the autism spectrum and Dr. DeAntonio does a wonderful job of explaining what Asperger's really means and how it has a place on the autism spectrum.

Upon reading this sterling work, I think of Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz saying in effect that everything you are seeking is really right at home. Finding Ben -- he was there all along.

This book will empower persons on the spectrum and others who work and/or live with people on the spectrum and will serve as a voice of hope. Ben and Dr. LaSalle are now advocates for people with Asperger's. I can't recommend this book highly enough.

The world is finally catching up to Ben, but I think he's ahead.

There's No Place Like Home
When Benjamin Daniel was born in January of 1969, there was a paucity of resources and information available to lay persons about Asperger's Syndrome, which is a neurological condition on the austim spectrum.

Ben was a highly verbal and gifted child. At 18 months, he taught himself to read from watching Sesame Street. At 19 months, Ben's family relocated from New Jersey to southern California. Ben remembers that trip and his first bedroom when he lived in the northeastern United States.

A distinctive personality, Ben showed a high level of comprehension for most abstract concepts. He could navigate just about any place he was and he had a fondness for maps. He was inordinately attached to his "Child's History of the World" and "Child's Geography" books and avidly read them each night. Nonathletic, Ben compensated by memorizing Dodger ball games he heard on the radio. A brilliant mimic with an extraordinary memory, Ben could repeat long passages from TV programs, conversations and written material. In childlike role play with peers, he always insisted on being a television or radio and he preferred reading to playing with other children. He also spoke in a formal style, not unlike an adult ("hello, my name is Benjamin and I am very pleased to meet you.") He had a high sensitivity to sound; when he was as young as one year old, he would implore his parents not to fight because "it's too loud and I don't like loud." I like the way Ben's father Steven was honest with him about the marital discord and told him that yes, they were indeed fighting. I also like the way he reassured Ben after the decision to get divorced was made.

Ben's problems were not confined to the obvious challenges of having Asperger's. Ben's mother Barbara LaSalle admitted being unable to accept Ben for years and lamented Ben's inability to make friends from the time he was a pre-schooler. When forced into enduring a playdate at his home, I thought the playdate was really for the parents and not the children. Ben didn't even want it! That's why I just loved it when Ben, seeing an out, left the other boy alone so he could race off to his room and read. That seemed like a fair compromise to me - Ben's mother could have her playdate (after all, she was the one who invited the other child) and Ben could do what he enjoyed.

The other thing that puzzled me was when Ben's mother said that "baking cookies is something you do when your child has a playdate." That is not a social rule. Why not serve fruit to the kids instead? Making cookies was a voluntary decision, not a compulsory one. My feeling was why not just have store bought cookies ready to serve instead of leaving those two young children alone to bake? As I read that passage, I couldn't help wondering why the boys were left unsupervised. In retrospect, it seems like one approach would have been to be involved in what the boys were doing; to suggest alternate activies, e.g. "I'll set the timer and for 10 minutes will play outside doing something Greg wants. In 10 minutes Greg can pick a story and Ben can read to all of us," which encourages fairness, sharing and taking turns.

Ben would try to appease his mother by telling her what he thought would make her happy, e.g. a movie date with a peer or being a member of a football team when his school had no such team. Divorced from Ben's father when Ben was 5, the two coped as best they could until she married John, a gentle loving man in 1975. Ben's brother David was born that August.

One thing that really bothered me was the "motor therapy" his preschool teacher recommended. Since Ben's eyes worked independently and he disliked physical activity and contact sports, he was immediately stared on motor therapy at age 3 together with eye exercise therapy with another doctor. This method seemed rather questionable to me and I was extremely disgusted with "Ms. Reed," the motor therapist. I didn't like the way she forced her player piano on her young clients. Ben and Barbara had no sooner arrived for Ben's first session when Miss Reed eagerly ushered them into her living room to show it off to Ben. Ben made it plain from the first session that he destested it, found it terrifying and implored her not to make him sit in the living room with it. I didn't like the way Ms. Reed talked to Ben or Barbara; I also didn't like the way she kept insisting that counting backward (what was that supposed to accomplish), jumping on a trampoline or spinning in a revolving basket would be fun when Ben made it plain otherwise. He even said he found her house frightening. The topper for me was when she made Ben sit in her living room with that oversized music box. Ben screamed in abject fear and a neighbor wisely called 911. I cheered the neighbor! After Ms. Reed forced him to endure it, I wanted to dispose of it myself. I really thought that was sadistic and I thought it served her right that the neighbor called 911. She plainly couldn't wait to get Ben alone so she could force that noisemaker on him, ostensibly to help him overcome his fear of it. That oversized music box reflected HER needs and had nothing to do with Ben or any projected goals for his physical progress. I didn't like the way she downplayed Ben's fear when telling Barbara about it and the way she said, "either he gets it now or never...be afraid the rest of his life..." when she caused that problem in the first place. I also could not understand why Ben was forced to endure her for years after that disastrous experience. That bothered me.

Ben remained true to form. He had trouble organizing his work in school; he had trouble making friends and sports were just not his area of interest. John helped Ben over the worst of his distaste for physical activity by teaching him to climb the jungle gym and ride a bicycle. Although these were never favorite activities of Ben's, he at least had the satisfaction of mastery. John accomplished what the "experts" did not.

Ben suffered another set back during the 1980-81 school year. That year Ben was sent with his father who enrolled him in an Arizona boarding school. Ben, suffering from a then undiagnosed Crohn's disease suffered from fecal incontinence. He was abused by other boys and lost 40 pounds his first month. Husky from a young age with a rigid adherence to certain foods, Ben was literally shrinking away that year. Barbara reclaimed custody of Ben and withdrew him from the school at the close of the year.

Ben's high school years were a litany of challenges. He changed schools more than once and suffered severe social set backs. By 1987, Ben, then 18 expressed feelings of violent anger and was hospitalized. He became quite husky during this period and the asthma he had since age 3 had worsened. He served time in hospitals over the next few years.

In April of 1989 came the crowning blow. On April 29, 1989 Ben threatened another resident at the half way house he was living in because he was upset by the noise the latter was making. He dropped his weapon and allowed to be turned in. Over the course of that week, Ben was forced to endure degrading treatment in the local jail. Only one trusty, a man named Rocky stepped up to the plate for him. (note: April 29, 1989 was a Saturday. Each day in the first week of May, 1989 which was chronicled in the book was set one day ahead and this makes one wonder if this was a psychological device to speed up a horrendous week). It was Rocky's tough love that helped Ben survive the legal difficulty he was in.

Thanks to Rocky, the "bald angel with the tattooes" and Doris, a caring worker in a hospital who helped Ben learn to "play the game" so he could be released and the very astute Dr. Mark DeAntonio, Ben's story is now something everyone can take proud delight in. By the early 1990s, one of Dr. LaSalle's friends directed her to Dr. DeAntonio. A sensitive, direct and no-nonsense man from the telling, Dr. DeAntonio reviewed Ben's records and provided mother and son with the answer -- autism. I like the way Dr. LaSalle was finally able to accept Ben and realize that Dr. DeAntonio was not there to reassure her, but to provide some clear answers for Ben's social difficulties. Ben's undefined differences were on the autism spectrum and Dr. DeAntonio does a wonderful job of explaining what Asperger's really means and how it has a place on the autism spectrum.

Upon reading this sterling work, I think of Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz saying in effect that everything you are seeking is really right at home. Finding Ben -- he was there all along.

This book will empower persons on the spectrum and others who work and/or live with people on the spectrum and will serve as a voice of hope. Ben and Dr. LaSalle are now advocates for people with Asperger's. I can't recommend this book highly enough.

The world is finally catching up to Ben, but I think he's ahead.