Product Details

• Amazon Sales Rank: #18036 in Books
• Published on: 1999-02
• Original language: English
• Number of items: 1
• Binding: Paperback
• 224 pages

Customer Reviews

The book that assuaged my guilt......
This book has helped me enourmously. I have spent a lifetime feeling guilty about my depressed, addictive, needy, attention-seeking 80-yr old mother. I read most of the book within 2 days of receiving it, and the subsequent visit to my mother was free of friction for the first time in years. I used the techniques in the book to alter the way I react / relate to her and it worked. I finally accept that I cannot ever make my mother happy and that neither can she help her behaviour towards me.I have bought another copy as a gift for a colleauge in a similar situation. Highly recommended.

This book is a godsend of practical insight and advice.
I have been hoping to find a book like this for the past two years. During that time, my three adult siblings and I have struggled with sick elderly parents and their painful, chaotic slide from independent living. There are many books on the needs/problems of the elderly, but this book is unique in that it is written from the perspective of the burned-out offspring trying to give aid and comfort--and it tells how NOT to feel like a guilty failure in the light of your parents' problems. In every chapter there are many practical insights and examples for understanding where your parent is coming from and for providing enlightened support and compassion--without continually sacrificing your own needs. There's a whole chapter on dependent behavior, one on negativity, another on fearfulness, including ways to handle them (and ways NOT to). I bought 5 copies of this book and sent them not only to my brothers and sister, but to two friends who are having trouble trying to help sick, depressed elderly parents. This is a handbook for that. I'd give it 10 stars if I could.

excellent guide based on sound theories of human behavior
This book applies sound theories of human behavior to the relationship issues between generations. The relationship between the older, difficult parent and the grownchild is fraught with potential for unhappy, even dangerous living conditions. This book clears the air. The authors advise refocusing on the relationship between parent and grownchild rather than indulging in anger, guilt or other unproductive emotions toward the parent. The elderly parent may not be amenable to change. But the relationship can change if the grownchild becomes aware of, and is willing to change his/her part in maintaining a fruitless pattern. Thus the relationship can be molded to a more satisfactory shape by an insightful reader who modifies his response to his parent following the suggestions in the book. The reader freed from patterns that may date back to early childhood is in control of how this cornerstone relationship with parents is conducted. The explicit suggestions in this book show how to do this - how to set boundaries, depersonalize, empathize and above all to understand the parent's behavior rather than react to it. Such change can affect not only the elderly parent/grown child relationship, but other relationships in the grown child's life as well.

Thus, this book suggests the difficult, but necessary, basic changes that can improve our emotional health. Some may need a professional companion to help them apply the principles of the book. The book, however, may be enough for many intelligent readers puzzled by the problems their elderly parents present. The suggestions are concrete, backed up by good case examples and specific to a clientele with which the authors are very familiar. It is a must read for anyone trying to cope with any difficulties the older parent presents, or even anyone hoping not to become a difficult parent. It is also a must read for eldercare professionals who need understanding and practical tips for the problems of this ever increasing population.